Slapstick Criticism: Fine Dining and Proctology

By Taylor Boyer

Eating out is the best. I have yet to find anything as amazing as enjoying food that took little to no effort on my part to prepare. Every aspect of eating out is just perfect: the food, the experience, and the false sense of lavishness that I get as people wait on me. It’s great. But I learned that it only takes one person to destroy all that happiness.

I was at a restaurant (which will not be named) eating a pasta dish (which will not be named), and my waiter (who will not be named) walked over to the table with the check. When my waiter came back to the table with my change, I noticed that my eleven dollars’ worth of change had been given to me all in one dollar bills. Seriously? How arrogant is that? He just assumed I’d be giving him a tip.

I’m not saying that he didn’t deserve a tip, because he did. That nice waiter waited on me hand and foot and did not waver in any of my requests, no matter how stupid they may have been. I was just upset at the fact that he assumed he was getting a huge tip. I understand its part of the waiter’s pay, but I was upset that he thought I was giving him more than five bucks.

Let’s do the math. I gave him a twenty-dollar bill for my nine-dollar meal; he came back with eleven dollars in ones. Come on. Did he really think I was going to give him more than five dollars for a tip? Why did he give me eleven ones? He should have at least given me a five-dollar bill and six ones so I could give him three ones, but for him to give me eleven one-dollar bills was crazy.

I also don’t like to tip people for jobs that I am capable of doing myself. I can walk back into the kitchen myself and grab my own meal. I don’t need you, waiter. There are probably only two kinds of people I would tip: dentists and proctologists. I can’t clean my own teeth or do what it is that proctologists do (which will not be named), and for that, I find them deserving of tips.

Do you see now? One of the few things I actually look forward to in life is ruined by waiters and their stupid tips. On the plus side, though, it does give me more to complain about; it’s like job security.  But seriously, next time you find yourself waiting on someone at a restaurant, don’t expect to get a generous tip from them unless you’re also their dentist or proctologist… and in that case, I’d be wary of eating at that restaurant.


One thought on “Slapstick Criticism: Fine Dining and Proctology

  1. Pingback: The Claw | Still Hope for Restaurants?

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